July 19, 2006
It's not a sin to be happy nor optimistic no cheery(or anything else associated).
It never was, was it?
I guess I've got myself so tied down with emotions I need someone to teach me what fun is. Right from the fundamentals. Starting from what it means.
When was the last time I did something fun?
When was the last time someone else had fun with me around?
When was the last time I had fun?
Was it yesteryear?
I don't remember at all. Not a single bit.
How am I to miss something I don't remember?
What does it feels like and how do I get about feeling this "fun" thingy?
I thought it's the role of the younger/youngest siblings to teach the older/oldest how to relax and have fun. While in the other way round, the older one's supposed to teach the younger one to be practical and serious and yada yada.
How come my role seems to be reversed?
All I'm left with for now are memories, most with me smiling.
But why do these happy memories make me feel sad? Why would they make me cry?
Because it's all the past?
Because I couldn't stop smiling?
Because I made a fool of myself?
Because it'll never happen again?
Because they were wonderful?
I guess I know the answers to most of the questions. I just don't know how to face them. And for selfish reasons I'd always hold on to that hope, that spark of faith. I'll just pray and pray and pray and pray... that it'd go my way and also at the same time, that it wouldn't be at the expense of others.
Friends. You can all go ponder on them.
Why do you mean so much to me?
Because you're a great friend?
Because you're a special friend?
Because you're different?
Because you're important?
Because you're you?
Because you're my motivation?
Because you're my inspiration?
Because your intention's good?
Because of your character?
Because of the way you see life?
Because there's laughter and joy?
Because there's trust?
Because there's love?
Because there's no biasness in treatment despite knowing my background/past/everything?
Because I treasure every single moment?
Because there's just something in you? What is that someting?
or what?
Because I'm loaded you can count on me for free treats?
Because I'm so kind I always get you out of trouble by taking the blame?
Because I'm smart and would help you finish your homework?
Because I'm forgetful I forget how many times you betray me?
Because I like to buy random stuff to give to people?
Because I wear branded stuff and give them to you when I don't want it?
Because I am famous and you want to be famous too?
Because I'm helpful and you want to make use of me?
Because I'm pretty and you want to date me(in bed)?
Okay I guess you should forget the latter half(especially the last sentence). I need time to unwind too. Jokes aside, if you ever did answer yes to any of the latter half PLEASE don't tell me. I'll be real sad and somewhat insulted if I find out. Anyway some don't even apply to me because I'm not pretty, not famous, not loaded, not that forgetful and not that kind either. But neither do I go for any of those points when I look for a friend. A word of advice(actually not so much of a word) : Don't go for riches or fame or worldly stuff. Cuz they might not last forever.
Though on rare occasions I
1. Sometimes do buy specific gifts with a person in mind.
2. Offer or accept requests for help and stuff.
3. Give my junk away(one man's junk is another man's treasure).
4. Give little treats within my budget.
5. Think I'm pretty( note : pretty not bitchy. Thank you very much).
6. Be the little peacemaker.
7. Think everyone loves me(Do you?).
8. Get high(think clean please) and do little random unexpected stuff.
Eh don't wow over all these. I said on rare occasions. How rare? I don't know.
And yes I do forgive(but then somehow I can't forget. I'll just make do with ignoring it).
I've made my mistake I know. Forgive me please.
And up till this day, I'm still questioning myself.
Am I not good enough? What's my worth? What do you see in me? What do I mean to you?
Am I a nobody, or a somebody?
I don't care what others think. I just wish I'm important to you, just like you are to me.
Is it wrong to think that way?
I'm so sorry I'm in such an inquisitive and chatty mood now. These are just one of the many thoughts flooding through my head right now.
Okay.
One (penned) down. Thousands more to go!
Too bad penning down the matters doesn't mean the problem's gone away.
It's now 2.37am.
1hr 15minutes of nonstop typing for this posts.
Goodnight.
-nIx- @ [[1:22 AM]]
It's not a sin to be happy nor optimistic no cheery(or anything else associated).
It never was, was it?
I guess I've got myself so tied down with emotions I need someone to teach me what fun is. Right from the fundamentals. Starting from what it means.
When was the last time I did something fun?
When was the last time someone else had fun with me around?
When was the last time I had fun?
Was it yesteryear?
I don't remember at all. Not a single bit.
How am I to miss something I don't remember?
What does it feels like and how do I get about feeling this "fun" thingy?
I thought it's the role of the younger/youngest siblings to teach the older/oldest how to relax and have fun. While in the other way round, the older one's supposed to teach the younger one to be practical and serious and yada yada.
How come my role seems to be reversed?
All I'm left with for now are memories, most with me smiling.
But why do these happy memories make me feel sad? Why would they make me cry?
Because it's all the past?
Because I couldn't stop smiling?
Because I made a fool of myself?
Because it'll never happen again?
Because they were wonderful?
I guess I know the answers to most of the questions. I just don't know how to face them. And for selfish reasons I'd always hold on to that hope, that spark of faith. I'll just pray and pray and pray and pray... that it'd go my way and also at the same time, that it wouldn't be at the expense of others.
Friends. You can all go ponder on them.
Why do you mean so much to me?
Because you're a great friend?
Because you're a special friend?
Because you're different?
Because you're important?
Because you're you?
Because you're my motivation?
Because you're my inspiration?
Because your intention's good?
Because of your character?
Because of the way you see life?
Because there's laughter and joy?
Because there's trust?
Because there's love?
Because there's no biasness in treatment despite knowing my background/past/everything?
Because I treasure every single moment?
Because there's just something in you? What is that someting?
or what?
Because I'm loaded you can count on me for free treats?
Because I'm so kind I always get you out of trouble by taking the blame?
Because I'm smart and would help you finish your homework?
Because I'm forgetful I forget how many times you betray me?
Because I like to buy random stuff to give to people?
Because I wear branded stuff and give them to you when I don't want it?
Because I am famous and you want to be famous too?
Because I'm helpful and you want to make use of me?
Because I'm pretty and you want to date me(in bed)?
Okay I guess you should forget the latter half(especially the last sentence). I need time to unwind too. Jokes aside, if you ever did answer yes to any of the latter half PLEASE don't tell me. I'll be real sad and somewhat insulted if I find out. Anyway some don't even apply to me because I'm not pretty, not famous, not loaded, not that forgetful and not that kind either. But neither do I go for any of those points when I look for a friend. A word of advice(actually not so much of a word) : Don't go for riches or fame or worldly stuff. Cuz they might not last forever.
Though on rare occasions I
1. Sometimes do buy specific gifts with a person in mind.
2. Offer or accept requests for help and stuff.
3. Give my junk away(one man's junk is another man's treasure).
4. Give little treats within my budget.
5. Think I'm pretty( note : pretty not bitchy. Thank you very much).
6. Be the little peacemaker.
7. Think everyone loves me(Do you?).
8. Get high(think clean please) and do little random unexpected stuff.
Eh don't wow over all these. I said on rare occasions. How rare? I don't know.
And yes I do forgive(but then somehow I can't forget. I'll just make do with ignoring it).
I've made my mistake I know. Forgive me please.
And up till this day, I'm still questioning myself.
Am I not good enough? What's my worth? What do you see in me? What do I mean to you?
Am I a nobody, or a somebody?
I don't care what others think. I just wish I'm important to you, just like you are to me.
Is it wrong to think that way?
I'm so sorry I'm in such an inquisitive and chatty mood now. These are just one of the many thoughts flooding through my head right now.
Okay.
One (penned) down. Thousands more to go!
Too bad penning down the matters doesn't mean the problem's gone away.
It's now 2.37am.
1hr 15minutes of nonstop typing for this posts.
Goodnight.
-nIx- @ [[1:22 AM]]
